Many couples find
themselves at loggerheads over sexual styles that do not match. Sometimes, a
woman wants it in the mornings, while the male partner wants it only in the
midnight.
Two relationship experts, Dr Phil McGraw and Sandra Petrot, share
their views on how couples can manage this issue.
Stop complaining
If
your sexual relationship is not living up to your needs, stop complaining and
start asking for what you want. This means you first need to look within to
identify your needs. When you communicate, be specific.
Maybe
you and your partner are not as far apart as you think. Talk about things when
you are both calm and rational. Don’t blame each other; talk openly.
Negotiate and compromise
Relationships
are about negotiation and compromise – and it never stops. Carve out time.
Negotiate a plan that works for both of you. Behave your way to success. If you
agreed to a plan and it’s no longer working for you, sit down together and
negotiate a new plan. Partners rarely have the same level of sex drive at the
same time. Negotiate for some middle ground that you can both be happy with.
Relationship isn’t based
on sex
Don’t
base a relationship on sex. You need love, compassion and caring – and then sex
can be a reflection of that. Don’t think of it in either/or terms: You can
cuddle when it’s time for that, have an active sex life as well, and have
tremendous love and respect for each other throughout.
Understand your
partner’s language
Different
people have a different language of love. For example, a lot of guys think, “I
mowed the yard. Doesn’t that say I love you?” Are you speaking a language that
your partner understands?
Understand emotional
needs
Look
at your emotional needs because they affect your sexual relationship as well.
What sexual baggage did you bring to the relationship? For example, if sex
defined previous relationships that failed, you may be reluctant to get too
sexually active in a new relationship. Look at your history and learn from it.
Don’t
use sex for the wrong reasons, and burden it or load it up with too much
meaning. For example, it shouldn’t be a way to validate your partner. It should
be an extension of the caring, feeling and respect you have for the other
person.
Quality, not quantity
Remember
that quality, not quantity, is the most important factor. The choices you make
have consequences. For example, if you choose to work, go to school and have a
family, you may have very little left to invest in a sexual relationship.
Change your behaviour and decisions if you want different consequences. Try
delegating responsibility if you’re too exhausted or over-worked for sex.
The
quality of a relationship depends on how well it meets the needs of those
involved. Consider your partner’s needs as legitimate, and look at how you can
meet those needs. Don’t label your partner as being wrong or having something
wrong with him/her because that dismisses the issue.
Talk to your doctor
Talk
to your doctor for more information about whether biochemical and hormonal
factors can be contributing to a low or high sex drive.
Dr
Phil McGraw is arguably the most popular international mental health
professional.
Sensual lovers
Sensual
partners with an Erotic or Dependent partner are especially prone to fear that
their lovers value sex more than the actual relationship. Instead of retreating
when you feel hurt by your partner’s advances, find a gentle way to communicate
that you want to feel close and you need plenty of kissing and eye contact,
especially when you try something new in bed.
Erotic lovers
You
are passionate and inspired when it comes to sex. Never one to fall into a rut,
your sexual energy can be both a blessing and a burden. Beware of impossibly
high sexual expectations that can deprive you of a close, loving relationship.
Try to find creative ways to keep sex interesting without pressuring or pushing
your partner. Instead of directing sex, be gentle and explore together.
Also,
remember that sex isn’t going to be spectacular every time. Routine sex can be
a sign of comfort and love, and the occasional lack of fireworks in the bedroom
doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with your relationship or your
partner.
Dependent lovers
You
can’t live without daily sex. While regular sex is great for your health and
your relationship, acknowledge the fact that most relationships experience a
decline in the frequency of sexual activity as they progress; it’s part biology
and part psychology. If you want sex every day and your partner wants it once a
week, try to prevent your feelings of frustration from becoming your partner’s
problem. Work together to find a middle ground that works for both of you when
it comes to frequency.
Reactive lovers
You
give 100% to your partner’s pleasure, but your own desire is a mystery. Take
the initiative more, even though it is bound to feel uncomfortable at first.
Tune in to your own pleasure and sexuality, not just your partner’s. Try
regular masturbation, fantasy and erotic reading or movies. Share whatever
pleases you physically with your partner, even if it’s something as simple as a
foot massage. Also, don’t expect your partner to have an orgasm every time.
Stressed Lovers
Take
a step back and assess the situation. Perhaps your partner has expressed disappointment
with your sex life and created enough anxiety that you’ve stopped initiating
sex. If so, your partner may feel rejected. You may have a valid reason for
feeling turned off by sex, whether health-related or relationship-related.
Whatever the case, it’s important to reach out for help. A sex therapist can
help with sexual function and related issues, such as orgasm and ejaculatory
problems. A general therapist can help get to the root of fears and other
issues that may be inhibiting your desire for sex.
Detached Lovers
You
can help yourself and your relationship by paying more attention to sex. Add it
to your to-do list if you have to, and make it fun. Try to identify what works
for you sexually. You may have forgotten your turn-ons if you’ve drifted away
from sex.
Reference:
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